thoughts that dont fit anywhere

you tend to find out a lot about people through their blog and especially through their facebook. one of the reasons i was so reluctant to have facebook in the beginning was precisely because of this. people tend to have different ideas of me, n usually they think im some sort of saintly person, but the stuff i get up to (albeit not haram or anything) can be interpreted as "inappropriate" behaviour for some. so i don't generally want people to start thinking badly of me. anyways i just decided who cares because at the end of the day i don't want to be this hypocrite, i want to be one of those ppl that u noe - what u see is what u get.

anyways, ive found out (sadly) that a lot of people that i thought were generally "good" had my image of them shattered through facebook. but i've also found out that people i had a bad impression of are actually extremely nice through facebook and recently blogs. i love reading ppls blogs, particularly those that share important articles. im all for bloggers.

so ive found a recent blogger, someone i know personally but never realised they had a blog. whats interesting is i never really liked this person in the beginning and now, through reading this person's blog i realised, hey theyre not so bad afterall. what i find even more surprising is that i actually relate with this person, i see a lot of myself in this person. it shocked me to even think that because here i was not really liking the person and then finding out that we had much more in common than i thought.

which brings me back to the a topic that has been bugging me recently. first impressions, making friends and generally just being a nice friendly person to everyone. human beings are conditioned i believe to have a mental idea or thought upon first meeting/seeing someone. you just can't help it. what you first think about the person may not generally be bad, but you will have an idea formed in your mind about that person.

i always wonder what sort of impression i leave on people. particularly people here at LSE because i have got such a different impression of them LoL not anything bad, but i wonder why is my socialising patterns in LSE is soooooo remarkably different from that of Warwick. is it because i set myself up in a different way? i create a different image of myself here, or i surround myself with different people?

maybe because im supposed to be this "older" more "matured" student that i really don't make a huge attempt to approach the whole world, like i did that when i was in Warwick LoL but i find it weird how after being here for a month a lot of the ppl, dont really talk to me. i do have ppl i talk to on a daily basis and Alhamdulillah i've made good friends, but still sometimes i wonder why in certain classes are nobody wants to seat next to me LoL

im not depressed or anything im just generally curious. i want to know now what sort of vibe i give out to get such weird responses from people. coz on the one hand i got all these LSE peeps staying away from me, but on the other hand ive got the Costcutter guy, the butchers, the construction workers all being really (sometimes overly) friendly with me...

it did take a while as well to get into the groove of things back in Warwick. but generally after a month ppl kinda stop leaving a seat empty next to me LoL whats even more frightening is that the careers events ive been attending all stress "networking" oh god how i hate that word. i suck at networking, i suck at approaching people so im very sure i fail in the networking department LoL

when you wanna pull out your hair

oh my goodness, where do i begin? it's only been monday and am i glad that it's over. masters is not treating me well. questions of why am i here, what am i doing all flood into my mind. its the feeling of entering into the realm of the unknown and then ur just sitting there blankly wondering how and why ur there in the first place. 

this course is not easy. i have been severely misled. i hate economics and here i am bombarded with economic terminology that i dont understand. imagine sitting in a lecture for 2 straight hours writing down notes that u cant even comprehend? i dont like the feeling of being an idiot and in constant fear of having my stupidity picked on, yet here i am feeling exactly that. 

granted my anthropology classes are not so bad and i did actly enjoy my last lecture. especially when the pictures of marx weber and durkheim filled the powerpoint slide. i felt like hugging good ol' marx and weber that i love so dearly. those dudes were the bane of my life in undergrad but i'd never thought i would be delighted, nay, ecstatic to see them! LoL

in my first year sociology undergrad i actly wanted to drop the degree. but then i spoke to some ppl who help me think otherwise. so as i sit and contemplate dropping development studies from my masters, i think, well if it was gonna be easy i wouldnt be here now would i? if i wanted easy i wouldve just picked social development at uni of sussex and be done with it. 

but i wanted prestige (yes i am sucker for prestige hahaha) and i wanted a challenge which is why here i am banging my head against the table trying to understand words that makes absolutely no sense to me at all.

it doesnt help either being in london, this impersonal city filled with cold people who are always in a rush and push and shove u all about. i miss the comforts not of home, but of warwick. ahhh my beloved uni. i love, love, love warwick. when i was there i was complaining n b*tching about it all the time, but now if u pay me to leave lse n go back to warwick i would, without a second thought i would. i miss the comforts of the uni, the fact that u can see ppl often, the feeling of at least having company easily accessible to u.

here, here its so hard to have that feeling. yea i have friends, Alhamdulillah, and my flatmates are really nice ppl, but it just lacks that feeling of i don't know home away from home. warwick had that and i miss it.  i miss my dearest housemates at warwick, my coursemates at warwick heck i even miss my lecturers (well some of them not all). 

ive got to learn to let go of warwick. but i cant. how can u when i look back at my time there as the best 3 years of my life. it was, it really was. there were ups and downs of course and my final year was exceptionally painful but at the end of the day warwick is the alma mater i belong to. lse, hmph, i dont feel any affiliation with this uni. not only are the buildings situated in dodgy alleyways, it's student union is based in a basement. i mean seriously how depressing is that??? 

okok i will stop complaining about lse. i'll try. there are some positive things to it as well. for example i like waterstones on campus :) i like the fact that i pass waterloo bridge everytime to get to class and i get a spectacular view of london eye and the house of parliament. i like my room n it's fridge hehehe i like that there are lots of eyecandy around LoL oh n i like that theres always the opportunity to listen to really good speakers here. so yea, there are plus points at this uni. 

im sorry my post isnt of any relevance. i plan to make it more focus but i guess i just needed a place to rant. oh yea, bus diversion's a b*tch! 

random thoughts

what marks maturity? is it the way you're no longer talking about nonsensical stuff and chasing after unattainables (in my case at least)? or is it this inner feeling where u feel that a part of u has changed? 

i don't think maturity means u gotta change urself a whole 360... sure there are some aspects of ur life that requires u to change, there are some aspects where u have to be more responsible for ur actions. but does it mean u cant be the way u were before at all? wouldnt the clear marking of maturity be someone that can tap into their inner child and still balance it with being the adult he or she is? being mature is all about balance is it not?

i don't think i can balance myself that well right now, so i dont think i have reached the ultimate level of maturity to make important decisions with regards to career choice and marriage. but ur age doesn't permit u to feel like ur not matured enough, it's pushing u to make decisions whether u want to or not. 

and another aspect of being matured is to live with the decision that u have made. nobody placed a gun at ur head to make u choose A or B. unless someone did then this remains to be ur own individual decision. regardless of how crap the outcome is, how sad it makes u feel u cant just sit in the corner and weep. u've got to make the best and most out of it, even if u dont think theres a light at the end of the tunnel. u gotta be mature about ur decision, u gotta live with it. 

why am i babbling about being mature all of a sudden? i dunno i just think that with being a masters student lots of responsibilities start coming to light. lots of questions about what to do in life, where to go, how i want to spend my life start entering my brain. of course there's a little part of me that will always want to return home and lie on the couch curled up next to my mum feeling the warmth of being a child all over again, but u can't do that forever. u've got to grow up. live in the real world, live on ur own two feet.

it's a daunting experience, a very daunting one. people around me have decided what they want to do, indeed they have 5yr plans and i dont even have a 1yr plan ahead of me LoL n that's when i realize i gotta start planning. stop procrastinating and just plan. ppl have shining resumes but that's just those ppl... another aspect i believe of being mature is to stop comparing urself to others (unless of course this is what motivates and drives u to success) and just live life for ur own sake. don't jump into the bandwagon just coz everyones doing it. 

having said all this, one may ask do i have a plan then for what lies ahead? Alhamdulillah i do, i never thought i'd say that but i guess a year out has taught me a lot of things. one of the main things is that u cant push urself to decide on the spot n u can't keep worrying about things that  hasnt happened yet. taking things one day at a time may help for some but not for others so i wont go giving this advice to the whole world. but im definitely an advocate for gap years.

if ur in a spot where u dont know what u wanna do with ur life then take a yr out be it after ur degree or whatever. if u've got the means, see the world, travel or take a course in something or volunteer. if u need money then just take a job anywhere, parking ticket attendant, kfc cashier whatever, anything that will help give u a break to put things into perspectives. 

there were things that i discovered in my gap year about myself that i thought i never possessed. i never thought i was so passionate about bridging barriers between faiths, about educating on what's right, about wanting to focus on the similarities rather than differences. and i realized things that are important to me, things that i want to see change. although i didn't have any life changing experiences in my gap year, it did help put things in perspective for me. 

pray that I get to achieve what i want to achieve. insyAllah it will work out well if it's the best outcome for me :)

when other so called feminists really piss me off

ok. i am seething with anger right now. and when i am angry i may not be that coherent, so i do apologize if i do not entirely make sense. let the rant begin...

why is it that women who claim to be fighting for all Muslim women don't even represent half of the population? why is it that these so called "modern" Muslim women who don't even comply with the basic pillars of faith are suddenly seen as bastions of Islam? why are they called "modern" Muslim women? what makes them so modern anyways? the fact that they don't wear the scarf? the fact that they can converse well in English?

who cares about English, u should be able to converse fluently in Arabic, the language of the Qur'an if ur gonna sit there and criticize its content! how then can the masses sit and listen to these women who to me just seem like a farce!

why must i disregard my veil to be modern? that reekes of colonial agenda all around. Lord Cromer upon entering Egypt claimed that the colonization was to liberate Muslim women from their oppressors. first of all, how can any act of colonization be seen as a liberation? a foreign power enters into your country, rules over you and thus taking away power from your hands, and that is seen as an act of liberation how??? n he bablles on with his "liberating Muslim women" rubbish, he claims that women must remove their veils. what dress then should they adopt? oh western dressing, of course! why can't i just wear whatever the hell i want to wear? you're just taking away one set of values and imposing ur own values onto us.

same goes with all these so called "modern", "liberal", Muslim feminists. they go on and on about why we shouldnt wear the scarf and how this prevents us from progressing forward. but then won't anyone with a mind of their own realize that these so called "modernity" that these women are championing for is just another set of values that they want to impose on us?

im not forcing everyone to go wear a scarf. it's up to u whether or not u choose to wear it. but to overtly criticize those that do, to overtly say that those who donn the scarf are "traditionalists", "backdated", "uneducated" women is just plain and simple rude! i know many progressive and educated women who wear the scarf on their own free will. they to me are "modern".

what champions of "liberalism" fail to see is that, a truly liberal society places individual rights at the forefront. the right of the individual to practice whatever faith he or she adheres to has to be respected if u call urself a liberal. so if that individual chooses out of her own free will to wear a scarf or a veil or whatever, then u as someone who proudly claims to be a liberal should just let that woman be.

i CANNOT stand people who try impose their values on others, nay i despise people who try to impose their values onto others. there's nothing wrong with a healthy discussion, but if the person disagrees wholeheartedly then why cant we just part ways agreeing to disagree? why must u not be satisfied till i believe in ur ideas?

as an individual, i have an individual right to my own mind, my own thoughts. if u think A is the correct answer, so be it, dont force me to think A is the only answer. yet our world is filled with people who try to impose their values onto us. and we continue to listen and be swayed with all of them.

im not here to insult certain people or groups. i read something that got my blood boiling. yes, it's fine if ur voicing out ur opinion, but does it mean u can disrespect others? there are many things that i dont agree with but u dont see me blasting all over the world (cyber or not) about how i think it's rubbish, no. because i respect ur right as an individual to have such opinions. i dont agree with u but i respect u. but what i read, and what i have encountered, many people don't understand this basic thing: u dont have to agree with someone to respect them. just respect them as an individual. i used to not have a problem with all these "modern" "liberal" Muslim feminists, until... until they started calling me "traditionalist" and "uneducated" and "blindly following my faith". just because u understand the faith that way, well then just let me understand faith my way. hish.

-ranting ends here-

oh and btw, i am a self-proclaimed liberal feminist, many of my close friends will concur. so please dont think this post was me disagreeing with feminism per se. i just dont like it when other feminists try imposing their values on me.

masters thesis proposal (informal of course)

I don't mean to generalize but most Malaysians have no idea what I'm on about when I say I intend on doing a Masters in Anthropology and Development. I do appreciate it though that they don't dismiss it as some rubbish subject. I guess having never heard of a certain subject does increases it's enigma. Anyway, my usual answer to their question is basically, the study of the human species mainly concentrated within small scale societies. I don't bother to mention how it looks at time and space as well as cultural relativism, it'll just confuse people further. More than once people have asked me "what's the difference then between Sociology and Anthropology?" Sociology = study of human societies, Anthropolgy = study of human beings. Where's the difference? Well for one most Sociological babble is for ALL societies around the world. I.e the Functionalists explanation of society can be used in every society. Anthropology is different because it's more specific, it's concerned with specific societies and looks at how this society has evolved. This leads me to then explain to people why I chose to couple Anthropology with Development studies. I want to study human beings and how the impact of social and economic development affects them. How globalisation affects indigenous tribes, now that's what I love.

However, I love Merriam-Webster's second definition of the word the best though:

"theology dealing with the origin, nature, and destiny of human beings"

I never figured that I would be concerning myself with a subject that inspects the "destiny of human beings", makes me sound like I'll be doing a Masters in Psychic studies or something along those lines LoL Although I highly doubt I'll be doing any destiny related issue in any of my subjects. How boring.

I think it's a farce though that I don't know half of the names of the indigenuos tribes located in peninsular Malaysia and in Sabah and Sarawak. I know the common ones I hear about like Kadazan, Dusun and Iban but if you ask me which one's from Sabah and which one's from Sarawak I can't answer you. And I plan on doing my masters thesis on them? What a joke. Thank goodness for google!

Having said this, I recalled in my second year whilst eating dinner or was it lunch, my housemates and I ended up watching a very engaging documentary on Bajau Laut or roughly translated as Sea Gypsies in Sabah. Their plight to be recognized as Malaysian citizens was highlighted in the documentary. They don't have a permanent address and so do not have an Identity Card. They can't enter Phillippines because they aren't welcomed there either. They also act like border police because they deter pirates from our shores. Yet, they aren't recognized as Malaysian citizens. It was also highlighted how they would come to land and sell their fish to local market people at a much lower price because of their "undefined, uncategorized" status. They aren't exactly illegal immigrants because they have no home. They are gypsies after all.

It got me thinking, why do you want to continue your life as gypsie then? Maybe for the Sea gypsies it's because the sea is their life, they can't live without it. But what about land gypsies? Why continue moving from one place to another without any clear sense of belonging? I'm suddenly drawn to study the life of gypsies. From the ones you hear about in Italy that always pick-pocket oblivious tourists, to the dessert nomads, to the Bajau Laut in my own country. It's really fascinates me. Who thinks this is an ok Masters thesis? Or is it too wide?

thrown about

Sometimes, sometimes it hurts to be in this position.
To speak of things that should've been left unspoken,
To write things that shouldn't have been written.
Now, now I'm left wanting to forget yet not be forgotten.

It's in the past,
Time flies by fast,
Yet this pain still lasts.

If only I had seen,
If only I had known what could've been,
Maybe then I wouldn't be left regretting.

If only life was a transaction.
I would buy happiness,
I would return sadness,
I would forever make the right decisions.

What's there to regret?
Everything happens for a reason.
I wish, I wish I could forget
as one would each season.


-this is far frm complete, i just threw a bunch of stanzas about and made it into one. ive been a tad bit emotional these days, so yea-

updates, if u were waiting

so, now i am in the mood to write :) here comes the list of upadates...

last week was quite a fulfilling week, Alhamdulillah. met with the family of this (msian) ustaz that me and every other malaysian in our year was close with. my housemates and i (in our 2nd year) used to babysit his kids. really sweet, cute kids. was great meeting them again and sitting down listening to their daughter complain about how different it is like to go to school here. for someone who has been through only a couple of years in normal msian primary school, i can relate with the horrors of it still. altho i was lucky enough to have been placed in relatively ok schools, but still i never liked the education system of malaysia.or the way the teacher discplined their students. i never wore my scarf when i was in primary school and in my last primary school where i took my UPSR exams, every Muslim girl wore a scarf. except me. i was told by my fellow students if i didnt wear it i'd be punished, i was looked at funny by the teachers. the thing is it wasnt a written rule that we must wear the scarf. i didnt even wear the pinafore dress, i chose the malay traditional baju kurung instead. so that was already modest enough for me. and i was only like 12, i wasnt even in puberty yet! i got extremely annoyed by such a preposterous "social" ruling. and i blive if i had stayed on under such circumstances i'd probably just wear the scarf to school and be without it elsewhere making me a hypocrite. if u want to that go ahead it is ur life but id rather not be doing as such. it isnt that i haf a problem with the scarf at that time i just didnt want it forced upon me. and i guess i can rub it in their faces coz now i willingly don one, but i wont of course.

sure enough this little girl who just entered standard 5 (grade 5) experienced a major culture shock. from teachers hitting their students, which is completely unheard of in england, to the most ridiculous subject of pendidikan sivik (civic studies?) which i think is quite redundant coz theres pendidikan Islam and pendidikan moral for non-Muslims so whats the purpose of this weirded out new subject? i remembered her coming to our house back in england with only one sheet of paper to do her homework on. guess what her homework was? writing a story! and here in malaysia she comes back with tonnnes of homework and sleeps at like 11p.m trying to finish them! she showed me and siti her story about how much she hates the school here and my heart went out to her. the only advice we could give her was to study hard and that one day she'll get to go back there and be in uni. we also told her to write emails to her friends in england coz at least staying in touch is good. but seriously my entire heart went out to her, she used to be such a happy child, she looks stressed now! her brother funnily enough has well adapted. from a kid who didnt speak a word of malay i was quite impressed hehehe but i think coz he's younger and a boy, boys tend to adapt easily and they all speak this universal language of play and mischief anyways ;)

my volunteering at masjid negara was really good too. had a great day meeting really nice people. impressed some japanese girls with my limited knowledge of japanese LoL and then met 2 brit-asian girls and hit it off immediately. needless to say my so called "phoney" (according to my brother) accent came out hahaha

later in the week i forgot which day, my coursemates from warwick stopped by in KL for their gap year around thailand-malaysia-singapore-australia-new zealand-hongkong tour. on the same day i also banged my aunts car into a pillar at the KLCC parking lot. i blame it on coldplay hahaha i was singing to their song the whole way and i kinda assumed i could pass through without needing to adjust the position of the car. but i guessed wrong. the front of the car on the left side is pretty dented but Alhamdulillah the lights are alright. but i do haf a phobia of parking cars next to pillars right now, and i havent driven since, doubt any1 is willing to let me drive anyways. i wanted to cry too coz i felt really bad seeing that it isnt my property and that someone entrusted their property onto me and i go and destroy it. granted it was an accident but it couldve been prevented had i not been singing and carried away. any suggestions for a good mechanic is welcomed rite now!

anyways we visited the skybridge at KLCC and that was the first time i went up. i was quite impressed at the view and was taken aback for a moment thinking "wow, i live here! i live in this city!". i never really appreciate KL until i talk to ppl who come visiting the city. and as i took my friends around KL i was amazed at my knowledge of the city and the roads. and i also realized that it's all quite inter-connected if you walk around the city. of course no one ever walks. we also went to the Islamic Arts Museum, then masjid negara, then to pavillion, walking along bukit bintang at night. was great to see them out of the warwick setting, was great to just chill out and catch up. and i felt like i really did help, i felt like i did promote towards a better understanding of my culture, my country and my religion. it's a good feeling. so if anyone else needs a tourguide in KL let me know, i'm more than willing :D

one of my friends went as far as to suggest that i should just be a fulltime tour-guide this gap year of mine. and actually ever since the masjid negara thing, i find that i do like to talk to new people, i do like to impart what little knowledge i have of Malaysia and Islam. i am a bit clearer on what i intend to do once ive gotten my masters, so i guess my gap year of sorting myself out is working slowly. the funniest thing ever though, i never imagined myself as being one that could strike up the courage to speak to random strangers least of all about subjects that i am not so well versed in. im glad my journey to self discovery is not so bleak after all ;)

speaking of masters...i have gotten the unconditional offer to MSc in Anthropology and Development. my first choice. Alhamdulillah. but, yes there's always a but. in light of recent events i have decided to add a second choice to my masters application. i have applied for MPA in International Development. i am extremely keen on development studies which is why i stuck to the development bit. im still waiting to see if i get accepted for the MPA. it'll be loads more challenging considering nearly 95% of the module focuses on economics. and they have a module which actually kinda gets us working with some sort of company. so yea, very different from my first choice. all i can do is wait and see. if i do get accepted, there is a high chance i'll take it. but we'll see.

i have also applied for my accomodation in London. oh my god, the headache it caused. i'm officially going to be broke all the time i can assure u that. no need to envisage myself at harrods enjoying a slice of their famous cheesecake, or shopping for lulu guinness handbags at harvey nichols. oh no! i think i should wipe off knightsbridge entirely from my future London-ista lifestlye. rent is probably going to cause me around 160-200++ pounds, per week. yup per week! and that is considered cheap, coz im in central London and it's inclusive of bills etc. i hope i get the accomodation near uni because i dont want to commute that much, but then again i still would have to commute to go and get my essentials like groceries and such. so i cant even cut cost on commuting. oh god. why did i choose London again? owh yes, prestige. for someone who slaved her arse off at warwick, i shouldve known prestige aint worth it when ur head's done in.

i once told my sister to tell my younger brother when he was choosing a uni to not apply for an ivy league or a top whatever university. unless of course u want to go mad halfway through or have suicidal thoughts. sometimes it isnt worth it. dont get me wrong. i LOVED the years i had in warwick, warwick was probably the best years of my life to date, but the workload and the stress the academics caused sometimes wasnt all worth it. granted my degree wasnt filled with exams or whatnots and we were quite relaxed most of the year (we had four subjects the whole year and a total of 8hrs a week), i had my share of stress. for example, even though we can pick and choose what topic we wanna do in our exams for most of our subjects, we still had to do the weekly seminar readings and sometimes it weant up to hundreds of pages for each subject. and i dont neccessarily understand or like any of the readings i had to do. we also had to do presentations and observations and whatever else have u which we weren't even officially graded for! another example at the end of each term we have to write like 4essays (of 2000 words) for all our subjects and again we dont even get graded for it! so why do we bother? i have no idea. as someone who did sociology i too wonder why we comply with this ridiculous system. yea we can recycle our work or use it as a guideline for our assessed work but still. and dont even get me started on the stupid dissertation they force upon us. 10,000 words btw is a masters level thesis thank you very much. yet warwick being its "elite" wannabe self, force this upon their students. we were told a 2:1 from warwick is like a 1st from any other university. i truly believe that, but at the end of the day not many employees even know how to pronounce the bloody place! well i guess they did something right after all, even after graduating i still hate the academics there LoL

so here i am, going to another "elite" university. huh. and what's even scarier is that if i get the MPA i prolly would be even more stress what with all the economics. i want the MPA coz it can give me a chance to go to Columbia Uni in NY city. another "elite" university. i swear i dont know why i put myself through it all *sigh* im obsessed prestige...

anyways that's all the updates i have on my life right now. somehow when u start typing it up u realize that u dont really have that much to say. in my mind i had loads to write but now i realize i dont. oooh and in a matter of hours i shall be MRAZ-merized ;)