lowest of the low

i dont usually blog dis often but d situation calls for it. i opened the attachment my supervisor sent, the one with the corrections for my introduction and literature review chapters. do i feel like jumping up and down after i opened it? NO! i knew that i'd feel miserable and like a worthless piece of after i've opened it because before this she has criticised me rather harshly. but this time, this time its just confusing. firstly she says she agrees wid my conclusions, understands my argument but the thing is she wont be the only one marking the dissertation. so i have to avoid being bias. fine, fair enough. and then i read her comments....

she says my argument is polemical. i dont even know what this word means and had to look it up in the dictionary to find its definition. it's derived from the word polemic which means a strong verbal or written attack. attack??? im engaging in a controversial debate yes i agree but attack??? i swear to god i dont know how more non-bias i can be! i touched upon arguments made by muslim feminists, those pro and against Islam. so what are u saying im polemical? maybe i didnt properly criticise Said's work but thats not my fault, there isnt a proper critique of him and based on gender issues, hmph thats even harder to find! if she (i.e my supervisor) had directed me towards a good book as she is supposed to do then maybe i wouldnt be so lost!!!!

and then, oh this is the best part...i can take being called bias and unobjective, i even aknowledged that in my methodology chapter, but her next criticism of my work deserves a place on the mantle of accomplishments. apparently i sound preachy in my argument and that i appear to be trying to convert my examiner. huh? how is this possible? i quoted the Koran only once to start off the argument on the veil, and i quoted Tariq Ramadan a couple of times and thats it. i then used Sadaawi who is such an anti-Muslim feminist to paint a balanced description with regards to the veil and the headscarf! so in what way am i appearing preachy????

i understand that my supervisor wants the best for me, i accepted the fact that before this she criticised me so much (like apparently i dont care about my dissertation) it was all because of positive criticism. indeed i am trying to look at her criticisms now as something shes doing so i will be able to better my dissertation. but the fact that she was the one before this who told me dat no one can ever be truly objective, and that she herself agrees with my conclusion is condemning me to the max until i cry and feel like just gets to me so badly.

i hate my dissertation. i was informed that my dissertation is my piece my own thesis my own study. so i can direct my arguments whatever way i want. yet i get a supervisor who is not an expert in the field, a supervisor that imposes her values on me, a supervisor that practically forced looking at gender in my topic, but i dont complain. now, now its just really annoying me. i can scream i can kick i can hurl all the books regarding orientalism that i have on my desk at my door, but the thing is i cant change whats been said. i cant change the fact that it accounts for 25% of my final year mark, i cant change the fact that if i dont get a 2:1 in my dissertation it can very much affect my other marks. arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i hate it. i hate it.

i hate feeling like im stupid, i hate being treated like im stupid. i hate not knowing what people want from me! she expects the world from me, my supervisor, she thinks i can really succeed and excel but shes not giving me any guidelines. im not asking to be spoon fed, im asking for her to point me into the right direction. to give me titles of books that do exist. to give me a chance to develop my own arguments not to paraphrase what she says into my work. arrrrrrrgggggghhhh

you know what i feel like doing right now? i feel like punching something. anything. i feel like tearing up pages from all the books i have read. i feel like throwing myself outside my window just to see whether or not i can fly. i feel like defying gravity, doing the impossible. but these are all worthless feelings because i cannot do something that is impossible, i cant go against nature. im gonna hold firmly to this principle that just because you love something or you're interested in something does not mean that you're good at it. this whole final year has taught me that. wrong choice of modules, wrong choice of dissertation topic, wrong everything. next time i should just stick to doing things i hate (like social welfare in britain) because at the end of the day, thats the one that ur most likely to do well in. blegh blegh blegh