The clock is ticking

sometimes idle chatter and ramblings on emotions are baseless and dont lead to any good. i enjoy reading muslim blogs in my past time, not like muslim blogs dat dictate ideologies without any fundamental truth, i read blogs written by ordinary muslims living in a constantly changing and diverse world. their experiences inspire me and motivate me at the same time...so when i was reading dis person's blog i came across this video on youtube which led me to another video.
the video was of a senior speaker from a particular university in the states. he was elected by the students of the graduating class to give a speech. and masyAllah, it was just so cool, his achievements (honours student all the way!) and his extra-curricular activities (volunteering as well as sportsmanship) and his speech was very interesting! n the best part of it all, he's a muslim. he was selected to represent his class of 07, a muslim guy, and he spoke about the ability to integrate and the fact that all the university students at his uni should all stand together to change the world because as audacious as it may sound, the fact that they were all able to look over each others differences should be taken as an example for everyone in the world. i dunno it just doesnt seem as great with me writing it down here, but it was a speech that got me thinking...
when i heard the guy speak i realised that i want to be somebody! ok i might not be selected to give a speech during graduation day because i have not stood out all academically and socially in warwick and that makes me feel quite sad actually. it's my final year in warwick and as i reflect back i have not been a good ambassador to my faith, i have not portrayed myself as someone who is strong-willed and determined. indeed i have done quite the opposite.
some people will say that it's not too late, i can still excel through my academics and i can still try and stand out socially and be like that guy who gave a speech during graduation. but i realise im not that kind of person. id like to change the world, yes every humanities/social science student aspire to do the same, but not all of us succeed. at the end of the day, majority of such dreamers end up at 9-5 jobs and succumbing to being a slave of capitalism, materialism and individualism that they used to despise.
i dont want to be someone that i am not. as i pen down my thoughts on an essay on the slave trade or on globalisation i realise i am just regurgitating what i have read. i am not spewing out ideas of my own, i am not changing anything, in fact i am just agreeing with the way in which the world is governed now. of course i have a problem with the institution and the way we are assessed as well because no essay or project is our piece of work (except maybe my dreaded dissertation) but if i am even afraid to divert just a little bit on a piece of paper how can i act differently? how can i stand up and speak for what i believe in?
i really want to make a difference, to impact peoples lives, to be able to give a speech in front of an audience that i know will walk away truly moved and will then aspire to change their lifecourse as well as others around them. maybe i am too idealistic, because i know i am not an action based person, i sit quietly in class, i hardly voice my opinions, i dont stand out. the only way i can try to make myself noticed is through what i write. and this probably leads to the biggest lesson i have learnt, which is there is a way for me to stand up, and that is my dissertation.
i fear it, i loathe it, yes i think i even hate it. i do not want to write about british muslim women and the way they integrate within the wider society, i am not passionate when it comes to discussing gendered identities and i am most certainly not looking forward to interviewing people. yet i somehow feel that this dissertation is enthrusted upon me as a test, a challenge that once i succeed will i realise that it's a way for me to voice my opinions. i might not get the peter gutkind prize, i might not even get a first class honours for it, but this research paper is a platform for me to speak out about problems concerning multiculturalism, integration, dual identities and problems of misconceptions about Islam and the west, the concept of us versus them...
who would have thought a speech by some random person that i dont even know of would make me look at my dissertation as something other than just a stupid 10,000 word essay that is compulsory for every single honours sociology student. i still am scared of it, scared that i will mess it up somehow, but at the same time i am a firm believer that God only tests us within our capacities. He will not place us in a situation which He knows we cannot handle. i guess that's the beuaty of faith, maybe Marx was right, religion is the opium of the masses. but i dont really care, for me my belief in God is the one that gets me through every time i feel like not waking up.
sometimes when i sit and read my books i feel like im the world's stupidest person. when i look at how other ppl plan out their lives when i listen to them speak of what they intend to do after they graduate i am dumbfounded. i just become numb, i dont know what i intend to do, the thought of myself around this time next year scares me. i dont have a certain future, i have this ambivalence towards wanting to go back. i feel like i want to go back and at the same time i dont want to. and during this time all i can do is cry. and hope, and pray...
each person has something going on for them, something that makes them happy, something that makes them strong. for me, it's God. no matter how much i can hate my family, my friends, even the whole entire universe, i dont think i can hate God. i've been in positions where i've tried to, where i've questioned His plans, where i've despised each outcome and decision. and maybe for a split second i have doubted and i have blamed Him but at the end of the day i turn to Him. everyone has to have faith, has to have belief (maybe they dont hafta align themselves to a particular religion, maybe they dont even believe in organisational institutionalised faith systems) but isnt that just innate human nature, to belief in an otherworldy force?
i'd like to end this (very very weird) post with something my friend told me. we were discussing fitrah (original state in which humans are created) and how at the end of the day we do turn to God because it is our fitrah to do so. my fren illustrated her point by telling me what she had read about Kamal Attaturk (the so-called father of modern Turkey), this guy hated islam and everything to do with it, he was the one that worked to destroy the caliphate system and he succeeded. towards his dying days he fell sick and it was so difficult for him to die, his body temperature rose so high until doctors couldnt help him, he sweated buckets until they placed him on a metallic bed...and finally he gave up and said "oh Allah, help me"...